Look At Me
by dS-Tiff
Summary: Happy and Toby return home from the fertility clinic and attempt to process the devastating news. Missing scene set just before the events of S04E20 'Foul Balls'. Quintis angst.


_**This is a missing scene set the morning before the events of S04E20 'Foul Balls'. We find out at the start of the episode that the fertility treatment hasn't worked and Happy isn't pregnant,** **but you may have missed it because it was covered so quickly in a throwaway line! It didn't make sense to me and I thought Quintis deserved better, so I wrote this. I hope you like it, all comments and reviews welcome. Thank you kindly!**_

 **LOOK AT ME**

"Look at me."

"Can't."

"Happy, look at me."

"I need to be alone, Toby."

Toby took a moment to breathe as Happy turned her back to him. She took one step forward towards their bedroom, but she didn't have the energy for a second step.

"Happy…"

"I'm not pregnant," said Happy, almost under her breath. "For one stupid minute I allowed myself to hope, but… but, the treatment failed. We went to the best fertility clinic, but it didn't work. There's no baby. So now I just need… I need to…"

"You need to look at me, Happy," replied Toby. "I don't think being alone right now would be…"

"I can't look at you…" Happy snapped at him. "I can't… because you're crying… and it's breaking my heart."

Toby stepped closer to her and rested his hands on her shoulders. He made no attempt to wipe away his tears, he wanted to feel them – cold and damp on his cheeks – he needed to feel them. "It's OK to cry," he began, gently.

Happy shrugged herself out of his grasp. "Toby… please…"

"It's OK to cry," he repeated, a little more forcefully this time. And he waited.

Happy clutched at her breath. She wanted him to hold her, she desperately wanted to hold him too, but she was scared. So scared. She didn't know how to process any of the feelings she was having right now. "I… I…" she stammered, her shoulders slumping as her head fell forward.

"Look at me."

Slowly, Happy turned around. Her eyes were still on the floor, focussing on the familiar carpet of their apartment. "Why?" she asked.

"You need to let go," replied Toby. He reached out, cupping her face in his hands. He didn't want to rush her, but he knew the longer she resisted the worse it would be. "You need to grieve. Grieve with me, Happy. Please."

Happy began to tremble. She had been fighting so hard, but she suddenly realised she couldn't fight any longer. She allowed herself to succumb to his touch, all strength gone as Toby gently tilted her chin until her gaze met his. He was smiling at her, but fresh tears rolled down his cheeks.

She felt a strange sense of relief wash over her as their eyes connected. She understood now. When she looked at him she realised he was feeling the same way she was – she couldn't put it into words, but she could see it right in front of her in Toby's eyes. _That's_ what she was feeling.

Happy opened her mouth to speak, but her lips were dry. She slowly coated her lower lip with her tongue before trying again. "It's not fair," she said, but it was all she could manage before the first sob overwhelmed her.

Toby pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her tightly as all her pain poured out and infused with his. "I know," he said. "I know… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry."

Eventually Happy had no strength left. Somehow they made their way to the couch and collapsed together, a tangle of arms and legs. Happy felt strangely at peace, her fear gone in a whirlwind of emotions she had never allowed herself to experience before. She snuggled closer to Toby and he gently brushed his hand over her hair before kissing the top of her head. His touch was electric and she closed her eyes, memorising the sensation.

"Hey," she said after what seemed like an eternity. A shared feeling of serenity enveloped them both and the torment of their mutual break-down felt like a lifetime ago.

"Hey," echoed Toby. His eyes had dried now and he cleared his throat before speaking again. "I know that hurt, but…"

"I know, I needed to let it out," she answered him, manoeuvring herself into a position where she could see his face. Everything was different now, she needed to look at him now. "I don't understand why, but I did. You were right."

Toby smiled warmly at her. "I'll explain it to you another time."

"Thanks," she replied. "I don't think I could handle a lecture from Doctor Curtis right now."

Toby kissed her forehead again. "Tell me how you're feeling," he said. She may not want a lecture, but she wasn't going to get away from Doctor Curtis completely.

"It's kinda dumb, we knew the chances were slim," she said. "But hearing the doc say that word - 'failed' - I don't know, I guess it made it real."

Toby nodded. He knew exactly what she meant. The impact of the doctor's words hit him harder than he could ever have imagined. "We're working through a process," he said. "Like I said, it's a form of grief. We've done the first stage already, the messy stage, now we can refocus and move forward. It's important that you allow it to happen, though."

"OK," replied Happy. "I will. Can you promise me one thing, though?"

"Anything."

"I don't want to do this in front of the team," she explained. "We need to go to the garage, but I can't process this in front of them. Only you ever get to see me like this. Only you. Is that clear?"

"Perfectly," agreed Toby. "Walt texted to say we're having a team meeting today, something about finances. They will ask about the results, though. After everything they went through to get us to the clinic in time for the procedure they'll want to know. At least, Paige will. What do you want to tell them?"

"The truth," Happy responded, pushing herself up on her elbows. "That the treatment didn't work and I'm not pregnant. That's all. Just the facts. We're dealing with it in our own way and it's none of anyone else's business."

Toby nodded. "If that's what you want," he said.

"It is." She stood up. Her legs felt like jelly, but her mind was clearer than it had been when they'd arrived home. "Hey, Doc," she said and she turned to see him hauling himself to his feet. "Look at me."

He recognised the echo of his words from earlier. "I already am," he replied, a warm smile spreading across his face. "You're beautiful."

"Not like that, you perv," she responded rolling her eyes. She held out her left hand and he took it in his. "Really look at me. What do you see? Read me, Doc."

"I see my amazing wife," he began. "I see strength and warmth and love. I also see pain and loss, but I see someone who has a deeper understanding of themselves now than they had an hour ago. And I see determination."

Happy nodded. He was right, of course. His abilities perturbed her less than they used to, but she was still taken aback when he was so accurate. "I'm not giving up," she said. Her heartrate increased as she assembled her conviction in her mind. "We're gonna have a family, Toby. One day. Somehow."

"Yes we are," agreed Toby, moving in to seize her lips in a tender kiss. "Yes we are."

THE END.


End file.
